“Crazy Fucking Bitch”

Croissants

One of the most profound, amazing revelation of my life happened  yesterday, while recovering from urology surgery in the hospital at the University of Kentucky. I was blessed to meet an amazing woman and nurse named Jessica. I was in a considerable amount of pain from the incision and the after effects of anesthesia. I don’t know if she was the nurse assigned to me, from the hospital, or God, but either way she gave me something that will forever change my life, and I hope yours as well. She gave me a bit of insight on something we all struggle with daily, hourly, randomly & eternally; our relationships and ourselves. Now I can’t say which side of the relationship you are standing on, are you the guy or man who is in love with a woman? The woman in the equation? I can not speak for all the different kinds of relationships in the world, only the ones between male and female, because they are the only ones I have ever had experience with. This being said;

My relationship, my fiancee is with an amazing young woman, for whom I will never desire to live my life without. She has naturally red hair, the attitude to match and a body designed to tempt a demonic mind, eyes and personality. She is loving, caring, passionate and beautiful, but she is also an annoying, pain in my ass, evil to the core psycho bitch! Now, the nurse who cared for me, yesterday gave me more then just good medical care, she taught me something about how we all work. For the reason’s of writing I will simply call my fiancee Panda. Is she truly a crazy fucking bitch? Or, is she a blessing wrapped in a million loquacious layers, just life a French Croissant? I would have to go with the later.

She is kind. She is the passionate. She is the love and all the other good things anyone would ever seek in a woman. But, she is also the all in one crazy fucking bitch I so completely dream of bitching about. Growling at. Wanting to kill. Clenching my internal fists, and pulling out my hair. She is all of these things and so much more.

If I had not wanted to kill her more times then I can count, maybe you would not be reading this right now, nor would I be writing it. But, as it turns out, I have, wanted to kill her strangle her, run from her and make love to her eternally, in the past, and I sincerely prey in my future.

For those of you out there who are not foodies, please allow me to explain a bit of art called a Croissant. It was created by the French. It melts in your mouth, burns your fingers, tempts every last tastebud you own, and calls to you when you truly want something a bit healthier to eat. What makes a Croissant a Croissant, is not so much the three ingredients, but all the car that goes into the making of it. So, lets do the basics first, shall we. What are the physical ingredients; Butter. Flour. Salt.  Simple, easy beautiful. So how is it something that start off so simple can be turned into one of the most sought after forms of breads in the world? Compassion, dedication, love, joy, maybe a bit of anger and patience. Kind of sounds like a relationship, right? That is because between the chef who makes them and the and other tools needed, that is exactly what it is.

So, why and how am I writing you a blog note about the makings of a pastry and comparing it to our every day relationships of life? Because, in my opinion, it is one of the best comparisons in the world. It is also the epiphany that a beautiful nurse Jessica, gave me one Oct 5, 2015, in the University of Kentucky recovery room.

What is a relationship, in the most simplistic ingredients? It is a few things, that happen to mix perfectly to form something that is one in a billion. You meet someone, find yourself attracted to their form, i.e. body and maybe chance the words hello. From there is is no longer about what it was originally made of, but all the passion and determination that makes up our life’s. If it works out forever, or not, is up to those who create it. Will it bake its way into a perfect blend of flakey layers, melted butter, balanced flour and a dash of salt or, will it burn and become something so undesirable and grotesque you won’t believe you ever tried in the first place? You tell me!

Here is another question for you; how do the following things have anything in common? Croissants, woman, men, relationships or the words crazy fucking bitch? I think it is safe to say, that to most rational people, the answer would be, nothing. But, maybe by the end of this I will be able to shed some culinary, worldly, relationship and the power of a woman, light on that opinion.

While trying to recover, from what should have been a simple surgery, yesterday, as I stated earlier, I met an amazing woman named Jessica. Lovely to look at, good personality, at least on the surface, but as the day wound on, I felt something was missing. Now please don’t get me wrong, being single is no crime, nor is it something terrible. But this woman seemed like the perfect person for a relationship. So I asked her, after speaking yelling, crying and bitching for some time, why she was not married, or taken? Her reply, shocked me into writing this. Because I am crazy. No one would ever want to put up with me.Is it not true we all have a bit of crazy in us? We all possess something that would make, everyone else, if they knew what was good for them, run! Maybe, or maybe this is where I bridge the gap between a French pastry and the relationships of our lives.

It all starts out so simply, doesn’t it? You see them, something pulls you and the same pulls them, and over time your layers mix with their’s and then the crazy comes out. Somehow in the midst of happiness, we all start to see the crazy, maybe we were blinded to in the beginning. Maybe it was there from the start, maybe not, but here it is, and what the fuck do we do about it? Simple, we go a bitch to our friends, family, co-workers and everyone else about it…

“How can I deal with her/his OCD? Why can’t she/he drive like a normal person? Does he/she have to fucking eat the way she does? He/she never cleans, the bathroom is a disaster! I must be crazy to be dating him/her!”

…and on it goes, till we burn the beautiful layers we had created, in the beginning. No more Croissants, just burn ingredients and a broken life. But why, why is it, that 9 out of 10 times this ends up being the case? Then sometimes something worse happens. One side of the equation, or the other decides, I am too nuts for anyone to want in the first place. And they stop trying altogether. Herein lies to reason for this blog. Many say beauty is only skin deep, so where does the rest come from? Why would someone so amazing, from the surface believe themselves not worthy of a good relationship, life or love? What are we all missing? Again, this is what nurse Jessica gave me yesterday in the recovery room of UK hospital. The answer to that very question.

I know from my own relationship with Panda, the good (BUTTER) could never exist without the bad, (FLOUR) and dash of crazy fucking bitch (SALT) here and there. Just like the dash of Salt in a Croissant. It is not enough to foul the taste, but just enough to balance out the rest on the ingredients. Panda is beautiful, inside and out. She has her family issues, who can say otherwise. She studies hard for a better future. She gets upset at one thing or another, but in the end, she somehow puts a smile on my face. I saw her crazy fucking bitch, from day one. I had no idea what she was going to become in my life, but it was there. Clear as day for anyone looking, to see. I also saw the beautiful, amazing compassionate parts as well. I think if we all go back to the beginning of all our relationships, we will all be able to see what I did; the flour and the butter. The dash of salt came in over time, but the overall recipe would not work without it.

My life and relationship is this. Yours is the same. It is not the simple ingredients that make it work, it is the combination of those ingredients that make it work. So to my last question, in this. How does someone get to the point where they only see the salt, (crazy fucking bitch?) Why can they not see the amazing and beautiful and more then anything else, the worthwhile in themselves? The salt is never overpowering, on its own. It is the glue that holds the rest together.

So back to Nurse Jessica. Here is, from outer first glance an amazing woman with all the things needed to start the recipe, but she no longer see’s the point. She no longer believes she has the ability to make a perfect, flakey, golden brown Croissant. It hurts me to think about, honestly it does. If it were not for Panda, I would want to give this woman a try. Maybe make more then just one Croissant, maybe we would want to make more. Somehow this note has to make it into her hands. She has to realize that without her crazy the beautiful compassionate loving nurse, would not be worth fighting for. In the event you are reading this, know this; from the depths of every part of my now healing being, you are worth fighting for! Your Croissant is just as amazing as all the other Croissants in the bake shop. Please give yourself that chance, I would.

 

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3 thoughts on ““Crazy Fucking Bitch”

  1. I love you writings…. I was in a relationship that I could not get into, or understand for the life of me. A friend on FB and I, finally agreed to meet after knowing each other from the site for a few years…………. I don’t know if it was the worst mistake I ever made, or if I even got out of it, with my mind still in tact…..BUT……. I do know I had to leave it behind

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ashleigh Wright

    I am one of the residents who talked to you that day at UK. I love this story. It made me laugh and think really hard at the same time. Your work is amazing! I hope you are healing well!!

    Liked by 1 person

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